MAKING A DIFFERENCE

I've just celebrated another birthday. I was in Belarus at that time and there were no candles, no scrumptious dinner, no family members, no presents and no cake. But the heart was still in the right place because I would have already reached my full potential in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is self-actualization. In self-actualization, a person comes to find a meaning to life that is important to them.

Hoping to make a difference to the lives of orphans and the neglected elderly I signed up as a volunteer for a week with PASHLI. "Pashli" is a Russian word meaning "Let's Go”. The aim was to improve the living conditions and expand educational and social opportunities within the target groups.

Most of us have a place to call our own. We have a home where there is a mother and a father. But not the estimated 25000 Belarusian children in state custody, according to Belarus Digest last year. These children may be orphaned or have parents who are unfit to care for them due to alcohol or drug addiction, crime or constant unemployment. In 2014, 2644 parents lost custody to 3110 children.

When we stepped into the orphanage we were warmly welcomed by a throng of children of all ages. They presented us with a Belarusian cake and speech. It was heart-breaking to see them rush forward just for a hug. We were possibly the only foreigners who cared enough to visit them in months.

It was inevitable that throughout the week, Maslow’s 5 tier pyramid of needs played on my mind constantly: basic needs (physiological and safety) psychological needs (belongingness, love and esteem) and finally self-fulfilment needs (self actualization).

Were basic needs met?

The thing that struck me at the orphanage was the lack of personal space or privacy. There was hardly a time when a child could be alone.  They were constantly surrounded by other children or adults. Even the toilets do not have doors.

When I visited the science room they were so eager to show me the class pets. There were beetles of various sizes living in a small plastic box. The interesting thing was that the children let the creepy crawlies run all over their fingers. It was the most natural thing to do . There was no aversion or squeamishness. Most of us wouldn't purposefully engage in such an activity. It made me wonder whether we modelled our fear after a significant adult.

One of the team members asked why the choice of beetles as pets rather that the more conventional house pet like the cat? The answer was obvious. Low maintenance – beetles need very little care or food. Were the orphans like the beetles themselves suffering from little care or food?

Food was pretty basic. We had potatoes, chicken, meat patties and pancakes for the week. The style of cooking was the same throughout the week.  If some of us wouldn’t want to see another potato, chicken, meat patty or pancake after the week, imagine what the children had to eat for everyday of their lives. I had less choices being a pescatarian.

The team put up new ceilings, floors and painted walls and fence. Although my forte would be around children and crafts I was roped in to put up a new ceiling and also to sandpaper the walls. Having been on visits to bunkers and pre-war buildings I was advised specifically not to touch the walls or inhale the dust because of the toxic lead content. So that was a worrying issue.

At the old folks’ home I saw how the elderly were treated. The air stank and even when I returned to my room after the visit, the smell lingered on my clothes.

Were psychological needs met?

We had a pamper night for the teenage female orphans. They were treated to girly stuff like hair wraps, comfort food, manicure and make-up. One of the team members gave a talk on the importance of self-worth and respect.

As for the elderly, there were lots of tears on the last day that we visited them. We called them Babushka (grandma) or Dedushka (grandpa). One grandma hugged me so tightly and pressed into my hands a string of plastic beads for me to keep so as not to forget her. It was one of the few possessions that she had.

Were self-fulfilment needs met?

Statistics reveal that very few who start adult living independently are success stories. Not being able to integrate well into society, they fall between the cracks and crime rates reach up to 80% for such children. Even when they become parents themselves, they end up sending their children to orphanages. This perpetuates the ‘institutional’ cycle.’

Now I am a year older and a year happier, doing the things that I like and being with the people that I love. But what about the orphans, the babushkas and the dedushkas so many miles away? I fell sick during the trip and it took me another week back in Ireland to recover after the trip. It could be an accumulation of many things: the dust, what I saw, what I felt and what I left behind.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 7 MAY 2017  http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnists/2017/05/237023/making-difference

GREAT COMPANY WITH OPEN HEARTS

It's not everyday that you decide to join a group and almost immediately find a sense of belonging. I'm talking about the Irish Countrywomen’s Association, (ICA) the largest women’s organisation in Ireland, with over 15000 members. 

Founded in 1910, it seeks to provide social and educational opportunities for women and to improve the standard of rural and urban life in Ireland.

Among the many roles during its early days, it worked against rampant antifeminism , promoted good health and encouraged rural housewives to establish home industries and take an active role in public and intellectual life. The association also sought to develop an Irish artistic and crafts identity. Crafts and skills courses are still run at its centre An Grianan in Termonfeckin, County Louth.

When I went for the first ICA guild meeting at Castletroy, I didn’t know what to expect. I was amicably warned before hand that the members would be ladies from a different era altogether and that the association would not be relevant to someone like myself. After all, I wasn’t born in Ireland and surely Kuala Lumpur would not be regarded as ‘countryside’ either.

Well, the moment I stepped into the hall, there was this sense of welcome that broke boundaries. Everyone was like a friend that I hadn’t met before. There was a genuine interest to know a new person and to make sure that she wasn’t left out.

I remember trying to make sense of the neighbourhood when I first arrived in Ireland.

The Irish are know to be friendly. However, more often than not, the onus lies on the newcomer to persevere through ‘friendly groups’ till she finds a good friend in the group whom she can relate to. I can fully understand why people from other countries do not mingle with the locals. Adjustment to new surroundings is already a battle in itself and to have to make a huge effort just to get to know someone new can be rather daunting. Worse still if efforts are not reciprocated and after several tries, it is no wonder that they give up trying. 

So it was a breath of fresh air when I went for that first meeting

What struck me was the  generosity and genuine friendship that the ladies offer.

So far, I've seen more takers than givers . We learnt how to make table centre pieces and after I had completed mine, the other members gave me more candles and decorative birds, in case I wanted to do a second piece at home. When it came to drawing raffle tickets, a lady offered to give me her prize when she saw I had not won anything.

Could it be because we share the same ethics and good manners of yesteryear? Could it be the display of selflessness and consideration that seem to be so lacking in the present generation?

Could it be because I see humility among ladies who are more senior than I am when far too often I face arrogant younger people who think the world owes them a living?

Could it be that they actually mean what they say? When someone in the group randomly invites you to her house for tea, you know she means it. And when you reach her house, you see that she has made the apple pie (with dollops of cream by the side) specially for you.

There was a birthday tea party that we staged for one of our members at the GAA hall in Monaleen The best China graced the makeshift tables  that were neatly covered with linen tablecloths. The details that went into the planning showed the level of care and appreciation.

After the tea, a great number of ladies made their way to the kitchen, rolled up their sleeves, and did the washing up. They were mothers, grandmothers, homemakers and professionals. No one thought of herself as above the rest.Hi.

Organisations like the ICA are still relevant despite the lament that not many in the younger set are keen to join. It may not be what it was in the 1900s. It has evolved with the times and it can still be attractive to the current crowd.

There is always room for great company with open hearts. My only regret is that I should have discovered the association sooner.

Indeed I have found my place.

This article was originally printed in the New Straits Times Malaysia 15 May 2016

http://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/05/145665/great-company-open-hearts

Who is your neighbour?

Source: VOX magazine (Ireland) Issue 24/ October-December 2014

The Rewards of Reinventing the Familiar

1. 

   There was once a buzz word called reinventing. It became such a cliché  that I would hear it every time I attended a conference. Yes, we have reinventing the wheel, reinventing the steel, reinventing the business model and reinventing yourself.

   
   

   Everyone was jumping on the bandwagon and the over usage of the idea bored me to smithereens. One of my bosses even said he had to reinvent himself so he would be ‘useful’ to the new leadership. I am not sure whether that was clever or hypocritical.

   
   

   Before I knew it I found myself actually living out the process of reinventing myself, not to chalk up a longer resume or to impress anyone, but rather getting to know what I can do besides teaching.

   
   

   Reinventing involves change.

   
   

   For some people it is a drastic swing from what they were familiar with, to something completely new. Reinvention gurus say that the first step is to have a game plan. A timid person may want to go all out to be an orator and therefore the first step is for him to enrol for a public speaking course.

   

   
   

   For me, reinventing myself is building on what I already know or have, so that I can find great satisfaction in those fields. It is not based on a schedule within a time frame with goals to be achieved. Rather it is a free and easy type of reinventing, with me engaging in new things and taking stock of life experiences.

   
   

   Having left the active workforce four years ago I knew that I would be spending the bulk of my time at home and not in the office. So, the game plan is to be able to enjoy the new found time to the utmost – productively, but not in the sense of reaping in loads of money.

   
   

   

   
   

   Recently I attended my friends’ tenth wedding anniversary at Bulgaden castle in Kilmallock. It was a beautiful affair, with the couple looking radiant and surrounded by their four lovely children. I was looking at her lovely wedding dress and remembered that I had helped her do some minor alterations. Word has got round that I could sew and I was very pleased to help her.

   
   

   

   
   

   Then I heard another lady telling her friend about my chocolate cake and rhubarb crumble – desserts to die for. Another person came by and said she had heard about my garden and was quite happy when I invited her to come by to check it out. One more person asked whether I could give her children painting classes?

   
   

   I am not an expert in anything but it is nice to know that when we put effort into what we enjoy doing, there will be results. I am forever learning from the internet, from attending courses, from reading printed materials and from others. It is amazing that there is so much knowledge out there to be tapped.

   
   

   I have heard of friends who have retired and suddenly found themselves at a loss. Over time they lost the excitement of dressing up or learning more or simply making new friends. Some spend hours checking the face book, watching soap operas or playing computer games.

   
   

   Interestingly enough when I venture into new territories, I find that I also develop character. Volunteering is big in this part of the world. It is energizing and rewarding. because I engage with a diverse range of people from all backgrounds and walks of life.

   
   

   Just the other day I agreed to baby-sit three lovely children thus allowing their mother to take some time out for herself. This was a new territory in itself as I have not had young children around me for a while. Surprisingly, the hours just flew by and there was so much  laughter as the little patter of feet resounded through the whole household. Some things are just too precious - watching the little girls play house with the occupants of my dollhouse and the boy playing ball with my dog.  It was such a pleasure to be surrounded by excited voices and incessant questions that only children could create. The fact that the children enjoyed their stay made it all the more beautiful.

   
   

   And these are the small things that build up a new life.
2. Source: 
3. http://www.nst.com.my/node/17927
4. 
   

The things we do that only others see

THE 1999 novel Chocolat by Joanne Harris tells of a woman who moves in with the wind to a little French town. She is a sojourner and is quite unlike any of the people in that village, with her unconventional ideas and her disregard for meaningless traditions. Despite her fair share of prejudice and pain, she ultimately brings hope to a group of people who sees change and possibilities and a different world apart from their own.

The sojourner can be anyone. He is the teacher in a godforsaken place. Totally dedicated to his vocation but unappreciated. He is the doctor in a far-flung part of the earth. Totally dedicated to his calling but feeling trapped. He is the creative worker in a multinational company. Totally dedicated to his career but feeling empty and lonely.

Sometimes, I feel like a sojourner. It is as if I am in a particular place for a particular reason. Like the protagonists of the novel, Vianne Rocher, and her daughter Anouk, the road is never easy, the path is embedded with stones that need to be taken out painstakingly, one by one, so that it is smooth again.

In the course of it, weariness bears down, oh so strongly.

I have been here for a few years now. People ask me: "What do you think of Ireland? What do you think of the Irish? Do you miss your children back home in Malaysia?"

What can I say... should I just mouth the trite answers that are expected of me? Do I tell them what they want to hear or do I tell them the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, the fun and the sadness, the alienation and the friendliness, the rejection and the acceptance, the closeness of minds of a people who know no better?

There was this nice and elderly English gentleman whom I used to meet on the street where I live. He probably did not have many friends. But what struck me was that he never failed to talk to me whenever he saw me. He thought I was on a long vacation as I stayed on after the summer holidays and he continued to see me again in autumn and winter. He used to carry a bag slung across his shoulder. One day, I saw him walking without his bag. I stopped and asked, "Where is your bag?"

He was taken aback and said that he had left the bag behind. He must have gone home and thought to himself, why, this lady noticed that I carried a bag every time I went out for a walk. The next day, he saw me again from afar and waved merrily at me, holding his bag high up in the air, to show me that he was carrying the bag. After that, our friendship grew -- albeit circling around his health, his bag, my health and my bag. Finally I asked him whether he would like to come into my house for a cup of tea.

I wished he had accepted my invitation that day to come in for a cup of tea to escape the stormy weather. I wish I could have talked to him more. But I couldn't because John passed away and it broke my heart that I did not even know about it and I wondered if there was anyone at all at his funeral.

As I sojourn, I find myself in several very varied circles of good friends, maybe because I listen more than I speak, I reflect more than react and I empathise more than gossip and judge. A number of my friends have mentioned that they are glad I have come into their lives. I feel humbled by such an honour because of my own imperfections.

I am reminded of the story of the monk carrying two buckets of water from the well to the monastery every day. One bucket is perfect and the other has holes. The bucket with holes asks the monk why he continues to use it. The monk asks the bucket to look at the side of the road where the perfect bucket passes over and it is barren. He then points to the flowers growing on the other side of the road and says "See, these flowers are here only because of the water you sprinkle on them". 

As we sojourn, may our imperfections be the channels that allow our gifts and talents to flow to where they mean something to someone else.

Source: The things we do that only others see - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/the-things-we-do-that-only-others-see-1.490817#ixzz2uLvyqa00

Our Wishes Evolve as We grow Older

Chocolate maker Cadbury has developed a temperature tolerant Dairy Milk that resists melting in hot weather.

The bar can withstand 40oC heat for more than three hours and the product will be sold in warmer countries.

This delightful piece of news means that forgotten chocolate bits left in pockets will no longer turn gooey, for sometime at least.

Certainly one of my childhood wishes come true.

We seem to carry with us a never-ending list of wishes in our hearts and if we really sit down and try to remember, I do believe that many of them have come true.

Why, even Jiminy Cricket (after singing When You Wish Upon a Star in Walt Disney's 1940 adaptation of Pinocchio says: "Pretty, huh? I'll bet a lot of you folks don't believe that, about a wish comin' true, do ya? Well, I didn't, either.

"Of course, I'm just a cricket singing my way from hearth to hearth, but let me tell you what made me change my mind."

Jiminy was talking about Pinocchio, the wooden puppet's wish to become a real boy.

One of my earliest wishes when I was 6 was to get a baby doll.

Then wishes for good school grades, for the ability to enjoy food without growing sideways and for a world without mosquitoes or flies or cockroaches followed.

Sometimes, I wished for the appearance of a fairy godmother, like that in story books who could grant you any wish. To outsmart the fairy godmother, I wished that anything I wished for would come true. In that way I would have what I wished for any day of my life.

When a wish comes true, we are over the moon. We have finally arrived as we have got what we wanted and strived for. We smile and we re-enact the 'happy scene' again and again in our minds.

Yet strangely the period of exuberance and jubilation experienced does not seem to equate the long suffering involved in waiting for the wish to come true.

The thing about wishes is that they evolve over time.

Physiological wishes give way to wishes for safety, for belonging, for self esteem and finally, for self actualisation.

Strangely, wishes mirror Maslow's hierarchy of needs represented in a pyramid with physiological needs at the base and self actualisation at the apex.

Just the other day, I was filling in a form to become a member of an organisation.

One of the questions listed was "What are your wishes?"

Simple enough I thought and began to pen a few lines. Then it dawned on me that my wishes this time round were so different than the wishes that I had before.

It is a strange phenomenon to realise that you are wishing the best for others and hardly any more for yourself.

With time, hopes and dreams fall into place. We have attained some and forgone others. Our perspectives have also changed.

What bothered us before may not irritate us so now. What seemed to be so attractive before has paled in its significance.

As Michael Phillips a film critic for the Chicago Tribune newspaper aptly puts it: "In all His purposes for the world, The Creator allows time to accomplish them.

"Whether it be in an individual heart, in the relationships of a family, or in the history of a nation, time teaches, time heals, time strengthens, time deepens roots and gives perspective.

"For time is an essential element of growth and a necessary catalyst for the development of maturity and wisdom."

It is not so much what I want for myself any more but what I want for others to achieve.

They are wishes for a lack of prejudice and an acceptance of fact. They are wishes for morality, for creativity, for spontaneity and for solutions to problems.

With a whole new year ahead of us, I live in hope that every good thing that we wish for will come true.

source: Our wishes evolve as we grow older - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/our-wishes-evolve-as-we-grow-older-1.470712#ixzz2rfd9F7qx

About time

It never fails to amaze me how many films there are on time travel. Time travel has long held a fascination for many of us. Apparently, even famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking believes humans are capable of time travel into the future. There are at least 150 well known short stories and novels dating back to 1733 about time travel. As for television series on time travel, early recollections go way back to 1951 where Scientist Captain Z-Ro,  had a time machine, the ZX-99, both to view history and to send someone back in time.

Popular movies on time travel include Back to the Future,  Groundhog day, The Lake House, The Time Traveller’s Wife and recently About Time. The main thrusts? Reliving past events, returning to yesterday and even the possibility of changing what had been.

Then I ask myself if ever I am confronted with such a possibility, would I do it?

To satiate my curiosity I would certainly like to see how Van Gogh painted his sunflowers, how Beethoven composed the 5^th Symphony or how Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. Nearer home, I would like to see how my parents lived as children. Maybe I would like to see again all the good stuff that happened to me in the past. I would like to see what would have happened if my life choices were different: careers, relationships, ambitions, values. But I certainly would not like to travel into the future because I am not brave enough to see unfavourable events unfold, especially if they concern the people that I care for.

The possibility of ‘altering’ the sequence of events is also very tempting. Just imagine that I had done something totally awkward and because of that one incident, my whole life had been ruined. Or I had uttered one wrong thing and lost my good friend in the process.  Unkind words, like feathers tossed from a roof, float everywhere and cannot be gathered back. How simple it would be to travel back in time and undo what I had done.

Or we may also be laden with the ‘save the world’ responsibility where we could stop evil from happening. I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up very tired with all the travelling into the past to repair the errors of world history - to stop despots and bad emperors from ruining the lives of their subjects.

What if we travelled into the past and befriended some cave men and they decided to follow us back to real time? Imagine the amount of adaptation they would have to undergo.  

But then again comes the trap of not being accountable for our deeds. We make mistakes and hopefully, in so doing we learn, grow and change for the better. If we could always go back and make good what went wrong, then it would be like a short cut to life. What we learn would be getting into a machine, fixing the problem and then coming back to the present in the machine. Imagine the chaos if time machines were easily available to all and sundry! Then there would certainly be great congestion in space, maybe some kind of space-jam.

 Like everything else, time travel has its repercussions. Changing the time line is a paradox. The elimination of your ancestor for example would mean you no longer exist.  We might even accidentally disrupt the normal course of various events, setting off a chain reaction that turns the future into a dystopian society – the horror of it all.

The whole element of the antithesis will be absent if we could time travel. We cannot see light without darkness. We cannot appreciate good unless we have seen the bad. We cannot hope if we are always fixing the past. Then we cheat ourselves of the joy when we see expectation realised and anticipation fulfilled. With time travel, we are in control and we sit and watch how we would like things to be. That certainly deprives us of the element called spontaneity.

Opting for the alternative – which is living in real time might not be such a  bad idea after all. By living in the here and now we learn to notice. Noticing imbues each moment with a new, fresh quality. This is called the ‘beginner’s mind.’ By acquiring the habit of noticing new things, we recognize that the world is actually changing constantly. And that is fun.

This is the last Sunday for 2013 and we will embrace the next Sunday in a new year. Where did all the time go? So, for the moment, I will just be content with Uber Morlock’s statement in H.G. Wells  The Time Machine.

“We all have our time machines, don’t we?  Those that take us back are memories…And those that carry us forward, are dreams.”

Source: The New Straits Times, http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/the-present-moment-is-always-enough-for-now-1.380330

At peace by yourself but not lonely

Pascal Whelan lives alone in a mobile home on Omey Island, a tidal island off the coast of Connemara, County Galway. A former wrestler and stuntman, his family history on the island dates back 300 years. He has lived in Hong Kong, Australia, New Zealand and has even doubled for Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee. Although Whelan enjoys the company of others, he enjoys his own company as well.

Like Whelan, I am happy with my own company although I love meeting new people, travelling, going for the movies with others – the whole works. But having said that,  I can also stay indoors for days and not leave the house because I find myself so many interesting things to do especially catching up on my hobbies and journalling which can run into hours until something necessary like replenishing the refrigerator bids me open the front door to walk to the grocery store.

There are many different groups or clubs that people can join here. For many, this is the focal point of their lives where they have someone to talk to. Sometimes they will just go on talking about the very personal and yet trivial things about themselves and expect everyone else to be interested. Maybe they do not have anyone to talk to for the whole week. Maybe they are very lonely people.

We sometimes confuse being alone and being lonely. You can be in a busy city and yet feel lonely. You can be in a room of people and yet feel lonely. Loneliness is defined as an emotional state where a person feels empty and isolated. There is this desire of wanting company. It is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and separated from others. While short term solitude is a joy, loneliness is a pain. Contrary to many beliefs, the young and not the elderly are not the most  lonely among us. Maybe it is because as we grow older, we learn to accept ourselves better and our status quo is that of calmness.

So to me, being alone is not being lonely. It is just being very comfortable in your own skin and very happy with your own company. Yet some people find it terribly uncomfortable to sit at a restaurant to dine alone, to go to the movies alone  or to travel alone– all of which I have no qualms doing, probably because of a spirit of self-sufficiency and independence that I  have honed from young.  Being comfortable alone is a healthy emotion.

Short term solitude has its advantages.

It is a decision by choice to set aside some hours or days or even weeks to be alone. The creative person craves time alone. In 1994, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi found that adolescents who cannot bear to be alone often fall short of enhancing creative talents.

But solitude is definitely not a time to be introspective in a negative way or to watch too much television. It is the freedom to do what we want and to be whatever we feel like, without someone else holding you down or holding you back.  We have come to a point where we do not have to do things for the sake of pleasing others or answer the question ‘what will others think?’

Put it this way, if my neighbour never liked me in the first place, he still would not have any good thoughts about me at all, whatever I do. So, if I dyed my hair the most glorious purple, he would still tell the whole town about it in a disapproving voice. It will not bother me because it is my hair and as long as I do not go out on a killing or stealing spree, I am quite content to make my own choices.

Solitude allows me to explore my own mind and self, to test my limitations and this leads to self awareness. It allows me to get back into the position of driving my own life, instead of having it run by schedules, demands and the expectations of societal mores.

Interestingly enough for Whelan too, driving his own life is exactly what he wants. 71 year old Whelan who has been diagnosed with cancer lives the Steve Jobs’ maxim of ‘treating every day as your last’ in order to enjoy the fullness of life. According to Whelan, ironically in summer (when the days are long) there aren’t enough hours in the day on the island. He is certainly neither  a hermit nor a recluse, but a man at peace with himself.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/at-peace-by-yourself-but-not-lonely-1.403002

Adding a splash of colour

I love the colours of teal and coral. An unlikely combination, yet the kingfisher has feathers of teal and coral.

In colour psychology, teal heals the emotions and signifies trustworthiness,  reliability and commitment. It is a colour that recharges us during times of mental stress and tiredness, alleviating feelings of loneliness. The colour coral symbolises energy, warmth and joy. It is associated with characteristics such as homey, welcoming, excitement or adventure.

So as the time has come to give the exterior of our house a new coat of paint, teal walls and  coral doors won hands down over the original grey.

I would like to see our lives as a spectrum of colours. When I made my first trip to London in 1982, I had a 7R photograph of myself in jeans and an anorak at the changing of the guard. As computer graphics were non-existent then, I used the letter set dry transfers to print the words on the photo - ‘Colour my world in technicolour’.

Colours reflect our experiences, moods and passage of development. When we are exuberant, we burst into colour. Our days are radiant and bright with beautiful prints – the entrance into university, the first job, the first child. When we are trapped in sad situations our days are grey and the world is black – the failure, the retrenchment, the break-up. Yet, we take comfort in the proverb that ‘this too will pass’.

Colours also reflect our perception of things. It is so true that when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. But sad to say, some of us are arrested in our own development as we refuse to let go of negative experiences and emotions that continue to grip us.

I remember during my first year in Ireland, I continually made a mental assessment and comparison of this country and the country where I was born. It is not unusual that I would say ‘In Malaysia, we would do this and we would do that….’ It was the soul trying to make sense of the new while appreciating the old and the familiar. The meandering, laid back pace of the countryside was a vast contrast to the fast-pace of city living where efficiency, promptness and reliability meant observing time frames.

I used to watch in amusement  when the customer and the cashier chatted about the weather and who had died recently while the rest of us waited in queue to pay for our groceries. I also had to consciously remember that the post office and the bank closed during lunch hours. In short, I would see red.

Now I watch with empathy when the customer and the cashier chatted about the weather and who had died recently while the rest of us wait in queue. I think that the cashier has loads of patience when she hears the little old lady muttering about her daily endeavours. I think the little old lady must have felt good to have someone listen to her daily endeavours. When she fumbles for her debit card to pay for the groceries, and the cashier says, ‘Take your time, there’s no rush. Whenever you are ready’, I think that is kind and I notice that there is a fuzzy glow of warm orange within me.

There is an elderly crowd here and even in their 80s and 90s, their minds are as bright as a button. Maybe it is because of the freshness of the natural surroundings, maybe it is because they take the time to soak in the colours of living and learning.

It is a pity that with massive development in the city the skyline is no longer what it used to be. Beautiful heritage houses give way to skyscrapers and green lungs and pristine forests vanish as lucrative plantations and condominiums encroach into them.

I have learnt to enjoy the blue of the sky, the purple of the lavender and the green of the fields. Just when I watch my children grow and fly the nest, I am thankful that I am surrounded by people who care for me and  I have learnt to live life.

As I look at Tony the painter put the final touches of teal and coral on the house,  Michael and I will have a new splash of colour in our lives. The old is gone, and the new has come.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/adding-a-splash-of-colour-to-life-1.327868?

Honeymoon, Negotiation, Adaptation, Mastery

It is not every day that dolphins come to town.

Well, they did. Sometime last month, three bottle-nosed dolphins decided to leave their regular habitat in the Shannon Estuary and swam towards the Ratty River in Bunratty, a bustling tourist area in Ireland. Their dramatic abandonment of a safe, saline environment towards a new and fresh water area caused both amazement and concern, judging from the flock of people who gathered there to watch them. While most of the audience comprised of the curious and the caring, there were also reports of young people throwing stones and other missiles at them.

I thought the dolphin story was somewhat similar to a situation when we find ourselves not quite on home ground and trying to adapt. I have just conducted a sharing session on achieving your dreams and studying abroad in a secondary school. Leaving home is a big step and going overseas for work or studies can be a daunting experience indeed.

In the process of experiencing culture shock and adaptation, we go through different phases. Being thousands of miles away from home, researchers agree that adaptation evolves through four stages: the honeymoon stage, the negotiation stage, the adaptation stage and the mastery stage. But of course, there are some who get stuck in a particular stage and remain there.

The honeymoon stage, as the term suggests, is of course exciting, as we drink in the new sights and sounds. If we are avid readers, now is the time to actually see the things that we have read about... snow-capped mountains, idyllic meadows dotted with frisky lambs, pastries at the boulangerie, clothes billowing in the wind, the quintessential bobby complete with truncheon and chimneys puffing.

We stride out in our coats and hats, woollen scarves and mittens and, not forgetting, knee high leather boots, just like they do in fashion magazines. The smell of freedom certainly goads us on to do the creative things that we would never have dared to do at home because, after all, no one knows us in this new land.

The negotiation stage is the stage where reality begins to hit home. It is when we begin to miss the sun that we have taken for granted. We seek out our favourite foods only to find that a decent plate of nasi lemak at a Malaysian restaurant costs 9 euro (RM36). When we get sick, there is no mother around to bring us a bowl of piping hot chicken soup. Although we speak English, we find that shopkeepers have difficulty understanding us because our stresses and accents are in different places. Shopping malls and eating squares that open late into the night are as scarce as hen's teeth.

This stage is worsened by bad experiences. We may be subjected to exclusion where we are regarded as "blow-ins", basically not people of the land. We may also suffer incidents of bullying, racist attacks or comments. Perhaps the most common experience is that ethics, morals and manners all seem to be so different: examples being the legislation of same-sex marriages, the normalcy and frequency of children born out of wedlock and live-in partners instead of the husband and wife union.

For us who honour and respect our elders (even if we think we are right and they are wrong), we are shocked to see adult children lashing out at their parents, calling their parents names and hurling accusations at them. For us who render respectful titles to anyone older than us (relative, friend or stranger) are shocked when children in the host country call adults by their first names, even if the adult is 99 years old.

The adjustment stage kicks in when we learn how to deal with the people around us: their customs, their body language and their expectations. It is at this stage that some of us may retreat into our ghettos where we gravitate towards people from our own country and others may go to the other extreme of being totally like the people in the host country.

Finally, the mastery stage is when we are able to recognise and assimilate the good practices and values of the host country. At the same time, we are proud of who we are -- our Asian heritage and the values and ethics that our parents , teachers and elders have taught us.

So, back to the story of the dolphins which got me started on this article.

Although preparations were made to help the dolphins go back to where they came from, officials from the Irish Whale and Dolphin Group (IWDG) and the National Parks and Wildlife Service (NPWS) who spent some time monitoring the mammals decided to leave them there for now as they looked healthy and appeared to be feeding well.

Maybe, they had reached the mastery stage.

Source: Columnist - New Straits Times
http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/honeymoon-negotiation-adaptation-mastery-1.281768?cache=%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.170209%3Fpage%3D0%3Fpage%3D0%2F7.320411%2F7.324263