REFLECTION IS A BEAUTIFUL THING

The act of reflecting is one of my favourite past times these days. The term "reflection" is derived from the Latin term reflectere -- meaning "to bend back." Reflecting is not a touchy – feely condition but serves more as the bridge between experiences and learning.

Reflecting about what I do with my life is one of them. I have found myself a routine that I am comfortable with and a set of friends who bring joy. I am continually developing the talents that I have and sharing them with others.

I was at a conference recently and one of the speakers asked ‘If money were not a problem, what would you like to do with your life?’

We were all supposed to come up with an answer in a minute. Some would like to stop working immediately and pursue their hobbies, buy a yacht, build a mansion or go on a world tour. In short, to live a life that is very different from the present. Such is what dreams are made of.

I thought about it. My answer was: I wouldn’t change a thing.

Then I went home and thought about it again.

Surprisingly, my answer was still the same. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Reflecting about what I do with my roles is also another area that I constantly explore. My private roles as a wife and mother take precedence over my public roles.

Being a mother generates the image of a very long journey – sometimes there are signposts, sometimes there are none. Florida Scott-Maxwell says, no matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.

In Ireland, Mother’s Day is celebrated on the fourth Sunday of Lent, so this year it was celebrated on March 6. But in Malaysia, next Sunday will be a significant day for all mothers.

I received a pocket book of anecdotes from my daughter, aptly entitled, ‘Keep Calm for Mums’ that I find most interesting.

Most mothers are well aware that there comes a time when your children don't think you are very smart anymore.

They may tease you about texting with one thumb or get impatient when they have to explain to you how to download music into your iPod. (again). They roll their eyes when you do not say things that are politically correct or feel mortified when you enjoy sharks fin soup while the rest of the world campaigns for animal rights. They are surprised when you actually know who Kafka is or even had a combo microwave oven once. The type that could bake cakes with a nice brown top.

They think you are myopic in matters of the heart and exclusive relationships. They think you are old-fashion and your values are archaic. In fact you could very well be the dinosaurs that didn’t quite make it into Noah’s Ark. Indeed Peter De Vries, the American novelist knew exactly what it was like when he said that ‘there are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.’

Actually, that is nothing new under the sun. There was once when I felt that I knew more than my mother and was irritated when her perception of life did not quite match the philosophical thoughts that I had acquired at university. But now upon looking back, just like how Abraham Lincoln felt, all that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.

Recently, my son who is an avid photographer sent me 2 pictures of Irish monuments that he had shot but forgotten what they were. I told him that they are Glenstal Abbey in County Limerick and Waiting on Shore Monument at Rosses Point, County Sligo. Then he sent me 3 photos of flowers and asked me for their names. (Apparently, mothers are supposed to know everything, including monuments and flowers.) As I have either planted them or seen them in my walks, I told him that they are the red lizard tulip, the azalea aikoku and the peony rose. I also double checked with the internet just to make sure that I had identified them correctly.

His response took me by surprise.

‘Mum, you are so smart’, he texted back.

Reflection is a beautiful thing

 This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160501nstnews/index.html#/23/

PADLOCKS AND KEYS AND UNBREAKABLE BONDS

I never knew that padlocks and disappearing keys would tickle my fancy until four recent experiences that involved these necessary and yet mystical items.

Love locks are a symbol of commitment. Apparently, this custom originated in China where lovers put locks on bridges, fences,  gates or similar  public fixtures to symbolise unbreakable love. Others say it originated from Serbia. Some authorities see this as a public nuisance to the preservation of architectural heritage while others welcome it as a boost to tourism.

In Seoul, there is this place around the N Seoul tower where lovers write their names on padlocks and then throw the keys away. N Seoul Tower is a popular place for couples who go there to profess their undying love for each other and to lock their "padlock of love" onto the railing , hoping that their love will last forever. Across the world, there are about 40 attractions decorated with "padlocks of love." N Seoul Tower is just one of them. 

I was tempted to buy one, but the plastic looking locks looked cheap. Perhaps next time we would bring our own, solid looking, vintage lock that  would reflect our senior years better.

In Budapest, there is a Central Café which was a legend between 1887 and 1949.

When it was reopened in January 2000, the Mayor , the Minister for Culture and the President were present. 

As guests started to leave, there were some who went along with the proprietor to witness a hallowed tradition of throwing the key into the Danube, signifying that this coffee house would never close.

I think that is simply beautiful.

When I went there last month, I thought the  tiramisu was something to die for. The latte macchiato didn’t fail either. The lighting evoked an old time atmosphere. I’m glad they threw away the key, or I would never have got to taste that bit of heaven on earth.

In the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Coat, when Joseph’s brothers went to Egypt to purchase grain because of the famine, Joseph falsely accused his brother Benjamin of stealing a royal cup. 

He says, ‘Benjamin, you nasty youth! Your crime has shocked me to the core ! Never in my whole career have I encountered this before. Guards, seize him! Lock him in a cell Throw the keys into the Nile as well…’

There’s something absolute about throwing the keys into the Nile. It’s akin to hammering the last nail into the coffin. Benjamin would be locked in the cell for all eternity.

Finally, in ‘The Song of the Sea’, an Irish animated fantasy film about a light house keeper and selkies. Selkies are mythical creatures in Irish folklore. Selkies are said to live as seals in the sea but shed their skin to become human on land.  There is a scene in the story where the lighthouse keeper was afraid of losing his little girl who was born to a selkie mother. So he put the white seal skin coat (that would make the child return to the sea forever) into a trunk and padlocked it.  Then he threw the key into the sea. 

there’s something very powerful in this act.

Locks and keys represent knowledge, mystery, initiation and curiosity.

What are the secrets in our locked chests or behind our locked doors? What are some of the painful and unpleasant memories or experiences that we have kept locked away?

Maybe it is time to find the key to unlock the stuff that we have kept hidden for so long. There is nothing to be ashamed of past mistakes. We do not need to carry that guilt with us to the grave.

Maybe it is time to release the greatness and potential that we have suppressed for so long.  

Find the key and be set free.

 This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 29 May 2016

THAT LEAP OF FAITH WILL DO WONDERS

I have not been to the South Pole but I have been to the South Pole Inn twice. This is a cosy pub in Annascaul in the Dingle Peninsula in County Kerry and it lives to tell the story of how a local man, Tom Crean , took part in three Antartic expeditions in the first two decades of the twentieth century. There is an artistic display of his life achievements on the ceiling which is worth craning the neck for.

This is an example of taking the leap. It is to go for something at all costs.  It calls for dogged determination and resolve that not many will dare venture because of self imposed limitations.

Tony Evans, a writer who visited South Africa observes that the impala is a fast runner and is known for its leaping ability, reaching heights up to 3 metres but can still be contained in a zoo enclosure with a metre high wall. The impala does not jump because it cannot see where it will land. The impala remains trapped in its self-imposed limitations.

In contrast , Stoffel the honey badger will stop at nothing to escape his enclosure at Moholoholo Rehab Centre in South Africa. It is amazing how this escape artist can make use of almost anything to try to get out of its man made enclosure.

Times have changed and the worst thing is to be caught in the middle.

It is like being caught in the tectonic shift and there is nothing you can do about it. As an illustration, the earth’s crust, called the lithosphere, consists of 15 to 20 moving tectonic plates. The plates are like pieces of a cracked shell that rest on the hot, molten rock of Earth’s mantle and fit snugly against one another. The heat from radioactive processes within the planet’s interior causes the plates to move, sometimes toward and sometimes away from each other. We can’t really see this happening but it is happening.

I have lived in the non-computer era and now have just enough computer knowledge to get by but not as techno savvy as the little boy next door.

I salute senior citizens who sign up for computer and digital photography classes. It is simply amazing to hear that these people also skype their children or grandchildren  living in the other side of the world and make use of instagram and hashtags even. Having said that there are many who refuse to learn anything new and prefer to stick to what they are comfortable with.

                                                                                          

Even the job market scene has changed. Many people in my generation would have held on to one job for most of our lives. We call that loyalty to the firm or just being content with our lot. Now, we hear of head hunters who identify potential workers  even when they are still in the university. There are also enterprising students who seek out contacts and internship  experience way before they graduate. The procedure of writing out the resume and waiting for the interview seems rather outdated these days. It is not surprising too that job change is rather frequent especially with the promise of better pay or benefits.

Adjusting to change is never easy. Taking the leap to do something different is even harder. Is there something that we have always longed for but have never tried? Are we waiting for the opportunity or are we creating the opportunity?

It is strange but are we hardwired to be negative rather than positive? According to psychologists like Roy F. Baumister, Ellen Tratslavsky, Kathleen Vohs, and Catrin Finkenauer.,  negative experiences or the fear of them have a greater impact on people than positive ones.   A study by John Cacioppo and his colleagues showed that our attitudes are more heavily influenced by bad news than good news.

So, we can either be the impala or the honey badger. The greatest fear is to step out. But once we have done so and are happy with our choice, then we wonder why we never did it much earlier.

This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 6 DECEMBER 2015,      http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151206nstnews/index.html#/23/

CREATING PATTERNS OF THOUGHT, SOLVING PROBLEMS

I was watching a starling murmuration over the River Shannon and believe me, it was a spectacular sight to behold. Thousands of starlings flocking in unison and creating patterns in the sky beats any air show that I have seen.

The uncanny coordination of these murmurations remains a mystery. You will need the wisdom of Solomon to understand how these birds, separated by hundreds of feet, synchronise their movements with such precision and dexterity.  

I can see parallels between a murmuration and the way we can choose to think.  A murmuration is a conscious act. It is a pattern by design.

We too can be in control of our thoughts and create our own design patterns through divergent thinking, and embracing learning possibilities and alternative perceptions.

Rudy A. Magnant in his book  ‘Discover Design Pattern Thinking: Applying New Design Techniques to Improve our Mental Operacy’  talks about divergent versus convergent thinking

Divergent thinking is the process of creating many unique solutions in order to solve a problem while convergent thinking is systematic and logical.  For example if a person moves to another town or country, and does not yet have friends, the tendency is to  keep to herself  and stay close to her old acquaintances. There is a typical passivity and a lack of cultural mingling and she prefers to stick to the same old, same old. But if she decides to make good friends against all odds, then she has taken the first step of divergent thinking.

Albert Einstein cleverly said that when a human being makes his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, that is a kind or political delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison that restricts the person to his personal desires and to feel affection for a few people dearest to him.  His task must be to free himself by widening his circle of compassion to enhance all living creatures and the whole of nature in its bounty.

Embracing learning possibilities is the ability to think and make sense of the world in which we live. This requires an active mind that should be constantly searching for knowledge. If we purpose to open the mind to endless possibilities, then only can we see our own shortcomings and be willing to change.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and Mark Twain said we should never argue with a fool, as onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. I have often found myself  the company of people (by necessity rather than by choice) who talk much about nothing.

Alternative perceptions help us become more proactive instead of reactive in responding to life’s challenges.

It is not unusual that two people listening to the same message may interpret it differently. This is because of our mental, psychological and cultural filters. We all have filters that stem from insecurity, fear, pride, desires or expectations. When a filter becomes negatively over-powering, it becomes a barrier and we then interpret what we hear according to what we think we hear.

I like solving puzzles and one of them is optical illusions. They tell us about our visual perception and its limitations. Optical illusions are often described as visual images that differ from reality – we perceive something differently than it actually exists, so that what we see does not correspond to physical reality. There is one classic picture of a beautiful lady or an evil looking old woman, depending on how we wish to perceive it.

When we interact with others, instead of reacting to perceived or actual unpleasantries, we can choose to be proactive instead. Whether the hurtful actions or words have any impact on us depends on how we respond to them.

For starlings, birds of prey will certainly find it difficult to break up a flock that is flying harmoniously together. Likewise, we can create our own design patterns for our thoughts and not allow predators to ruin our day.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES, MALAYSIA - 8 NOVEMBER 2015. - http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/151108nstnews/index.html#/23/

LIVE FOR YOURSELF, NOT OTHERS

I was reading some inspirational material the other day and came away absolutely convinced that we owe it to ourselves to make the decision to live. Not just any kind of living but to live loved, to live focussed and to live beyond borders in 2015.

There are many non-government organisations here that give hope and direction to the community. In a very small way, I’m involved with ADAPT house which runs the largest refuge centre providing emergency accommodation for women and children who have to leave their homes because of domestic abuse. .  One in five women experiences domestic abuse in Ireland but it is the most under reported crime here.

Domestic abuse is not only physical abuse but it can be emotional, verbal, sexual or financial abuse. Physical abuse may be backed up by medical reports but other types of abuse unfortunately are difficult to categorise or to prove ‘logically’ and ‘systematically’. The victims themselves may not even be aware that they have been subjected to such abuse and may have erroneously believe that it is part of living.

There are some things that we hold sacrosanct. But against the best of intentions, what is perfect can become imperfect and what is hoped for can disappoint. It is then time to be brave enough to step back and recognise the lone struggling at odds and the desperation of the plight. There are many marriages that have passed their sell-by date and yet married people remain living in the same family home as strangers for reasons best known to themselves.

In any circumstance, country or culture, it is not uncommon that we find ourselves breathing but not living. It sounds strange but if we look around us examples abound. If we are honest with ourselves, we are victims too.

To live with an idea of where we are heading to is like a captain in control of her ship. Unless we know what we want and work towards achieving that, the ship will be tossed about by the waves and plans keep changing.

What is it that drives us? Have we forgotten the dreams that we had oh, so many years ago? Have we made so many compromises along the way for the common good that we have gone off-tangent for far too long?

I have befriended so many people who had dreams once. Dreams to succeed, dreams to do something significant, dreams to be somebody. The same people who would have liked to walk on the moon sometime in their lives now feel inadequate, insecure, and feel that life out there is for others, not for themselves. The same people who were attractive, clever and ambitious once, are now dowdy and have allowed others and even their own children to trample all over them
.

To live beyond borders is to believe in yourself and to enjoy what is new, what is good and what is different. It is to break away from what is routine and what is comfortable and to take on a task that you have always feared you were neither good nor clever enough for. It could be a skill that you want to learn or a hobby that you have always wanted to take up but was afraid to do so because of the fear of failure.

I cannot say enough about the feeling of satisfaction and achievement when I have done something that I was afraid to do. It reminds me that I am made of more. I also cannot say enough about the humility of knowing that I have tried to do some things and yet have not achieved what I had intended. It reminds me that I’m human.

It is the beginning of a new year and a very good time to make decisions and to take the bull by its horns. Whatever has been nagging, deal with it. Whatever has been hurting, resolve it and whatever has been uplifting embrace it and move forward.

It is time to decide that we want to live loved, to live focussed and to live beyond borders.

Life is too short to be wasted on regrets


This article was originally published by New Straits Times. You can read the original article here - http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/150111nstnews/index.html#/19/

Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve

With Michael Harding as he autographed his first book, Staring at Lakes

I love to read. Correction – I love to read books that are engaging. Not too short that all the significant bits are glossed over and not too long where after arriving at page 459, the end is no where near, and I have forgotten who is who in the plot. Certainly at this time of my life I am not going to read a book because I have to (as in book clubs and reading lists) but because I want to.

So having heard the news that ‘Hanging with the Elephant’ by Michael Harding has hit the bookshops, I rushed down to Limerick to get two copies – two because the bookshop was offering a deal of ‘buy the second book at half the price’ . Since I could not resist a good offer and I knew of other like-minded people who would appreciate it as a gift, I made the cashier a happier woman that day.

I enjoy memoirs. Having said that,  any drama, musical or film that is based on a true story will certainly hold my attention. In fact I once thought that Forrest Gump was real because I enjoyed the movie that much.

Harding’s style is fluid and I like it that there is no linear path to follow. This is perfectly logical as the mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of the past, present and future that are intricately intertwined and to trace and speak about them as if they are carefully arranged in an orderly manner is to do them great injustice. We are near enough to see the soul of the man and yet not that near as to rob him of his essence. We can read his thoughts and devour the book but yet we leave him intact at the end

of it.

Some say that writers are the custodians of memories but yet when I think of writing my own memoir, the greatest challenge is: would I dare to wear my heart on my sleeve? Would I dare to call a spade a spade and lay bare the traumas of my soul? Would my readers, especially if they can recognise themselves in the memoir be generous towards my writing or would they take me to court over something that I have written which displeases them? My perception of truth could be totally different from theirs.

Too often memories die with their owner. Our brain cells can only remember that much, so we forget the stories our parents had told us and wish there is some form of record that we can go back to. My father left me a pen and my mother her portrait. Both of which I treasure. But how lovely it would have been if my parents had left me their memoirs.

                                                           Map of South East Asia

My father was just a teenager when he left China in the 1900 for Malaysia. I can imagine how perilous the journey at sea would have been or how hungry he was that he had to sneak into the cargo area to scavenge for anything edible. What was it like when he first felt the scorching heat and the heavy humidity on his skin when he landed in the new country he would call home for the rest of his life?

My parents

In those days marriages were arranged. What was it like for my mother to have married a man she had never met before? How did she survive living in poverty in a wooden shack in the jungle surrounded by tigers and other wild beasts? She did tell me that she saw tiger paw prints surrounding the house. Although they narrated these stories to their children, it is strange how we remember bits and pieces but never the whole. Stranger still when different children remember different bits and pieces. And there is no one to tell us if our memories are fictional or real.

At one stage or another, some of us have toyed with the idea of writing something about ourselves and getting it printed. In the meantime, we keep journal entries that are privy to our eyes alone. We even keep public and private blogs. We write articles, poems and short stories and make someone else the protagonist.

It is always safer to create a character to speak for us, to provide the voice for what we think or feel. We hide behind the security that the stories we write are based on our experiences but we are not the story per se. Another nagging worry is would anyone be interested in our lives and are we not being presumptuous that there is a whole community out there just dying to know our story? After all, we are just living everyday lives and we have neither walked on the moon nor discovered penicillin.

Maybe I would wait until I am 60 to write my memoir. Maybe I never will. But in the meantime, I would wait for Michael Harding to come to the nearest city so I could get my book autographed.

This is as good as it gets.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/node/53320

IS IT A MALE THING TO SKIP PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS?

THE last parent-teacher meeting that I went to recently was indeed my last parent-teacher meeting. Finally, my youngest will be leaving school soon and entering university. So, having to sit on both sides of the table so to speak (being a parent and also a lecturer before), what were my sentiments about this annual face-to-face discussion? As a parent, I have always been proud of my children, celebrating their strengths and helping them deal with their weaknesses. I know which child is book-smart, which child is street-smart and which child is both book- and street- smart. I have all three specimens.

Thus, even though I can predict what the teachers are going to say, I enjoy listening to what they have to say. Their comments would have a 99.9-per cent accuracy about what my children are capable of. To me, they are affirmations of the way the children have been brought up. So, when I received a text message from the school saying that it was that time of the year again, I was excited and asked Audrey, my youngest, to list down all the names of the subject teachers so I would know which ones I should meet. Michael, my better half, on the other hand asked: "Do I have to go?" He had been there last year and he suspected that the teachers' comments this year would be somewhat similar. I said: "It is entirely up to you." Then, I wondered whether it is a male thing or an Irish thing that mothers are the ones who normally go to parent-teacher meetings and the presence of the occasional father is a welcome sight. I get a very nice feeling when I hear teachers speak well of my child and of course, a queasy feeling in my tummy if a child disappoints. When I come home and relate to the child all the accolades that the teachers had mentioned, the child's self-esteem grows. If I tell the child the areas that he needs to improve, he knows that he has understanding and support from his parent. This is all very positive and full of good vibes, but why do mothers seem to show more interest in this field? Having said that, I see many of the male species at funerals, wakes and memorials. Often enough, Michael would receive a text that so-and-so has passed away. The text would come in the morning, noon or evening, or even when we are on holiday. People seem to make it a point to inform you that someone has passed away. So, if there is a lull for a while, I would cheekily ask him, "Has anyone died recently? It's so quiet around here".

Whether you are a friend or a relative or an acquaintance, you are "expected to show your face" at the wake, the funeral or the memorial. I understand that it is a show of respect or the "done thing" in a rural community in Ireland, but then again, I wonder if too much emphasis is given to tradition and social mores while the living struggle to communicate and show love to one another.

Frank McCourt captures the obsession with death beautifully in Angela's Ashes: "The master says it's a glorious thing to die for the Faith and Dad says it's a glorious thing to die for Ireland and I wonder if there's anyone in the world who would like us to live. My brothers are dead and my sister is dead and I wonder if they died for Ireland or the Faith." The day came and I saw scores of mothers lining up to see the teachers. As usual, some mothers took a long time talking to the teachers so the rest of us had to wait. While waiting, the mothers started talking to each other and for me, it was the first time that I had met them even though their children had come to my home. I was the only Asian mother in the room, so when I went up to a teacher, it was not rocket science to know who my child was. One teacher even commented that I looked exactly like my daughter. Every teacher had something excellent to say and told me how proud I am to have Audrey as my daughter. I said: "Yes, I am". (Again, I was told later that the "accepted humble response" would be to laugh and say something like "If only she were half as good at home.") By the time the meeting was over, it was cold and dark and I walked home with the husband who knew the wife well enough to understand that the response "it is up to yourself" concerning going to the meeting was actually "I would love you to go or else."

Source- New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/is-it-a-male-thing-to-skip-parent-teacher-meetings-1.208349#ixzz2JCCpHgai

Success is not measured by money alone

I HAVE just come back from a talk at Mallow Street Hall in Limerick where the speaker, Brian Gault, from the Isle of Man shared about his life. What struck me was his attitude towards life and its challenges despite the fact that he was born with no hands, yes, no hands, being the victim of the Thalidomide disaster. Thalidomide is a sedative drug introduced in the late 1950s that was used to treat morning sickness and to aid sleep. It was sold from 1957 until 1961, when it was withdrawn after being found to be a teratogen, a substance that causes birth defects. Brian did not just remain a victim of a mistake. At a young age, he learnt how to use his legs and toes for most of the tasks that we carry out with our hands. He had to suffer the looks and unkind taunts of other children. But he developed into a remarkable young man, full of personality. The best part was together with his wife, May, Brian went on to carry out charitable work among other Thalidomide victims in Brazil, a life of service to others. To me, a life of service to others is my definition of success. Success is doing the things that I perceive are valuable to myself and beneficial to others. It is a strange phenomenon where the more you give, the more you receive. However, to many others, success equals the first million dollars made. That reminds me of a conversation I had with well-meaning friends who were discussing their children's success stories.

As a number of our children are doctors, inevitably we talked about what makes a successful doctor. I could sum up the conversation as: a successful doctor is one who makes a lot of money, one who leaves the home country to work in another country because of a lucrative salary and one who chooses to specialise in an area, for example plastic surgery, that would surely bring in loads of money. I wonder how many parents actually encourage their children to give back to society and use their professions to do charitable deeds. I remember when my eldest daughter asked me for advice concerning her posting to a hospital to do her housemanship. I advised her to go to a place where doctors were scarce and medical facilities were lacking. In short, I was telling her to go where there was a need instead of city hospitals that were overcrowded with intern doctors. To other parents, I sounded weird and uncaring. When she was actually posted to a far-flung corner of the country, concerned parents came to sympathise with me. The best part was she was actually happy. Epicurus, the Greek philosopher said: "It is not what we have but what we enjoy that constitutes our abundance". Success is experiencing intangibles, such as the ability to make a difference, to feel a sense of accomplishment and to maintain a desirable balance between the world out there and the world within. This to me eclipses the size of a pay cheque. If we do not define our own meaning of success then we are caught in the socially programmed default settings of success, which usually means money. When Brian ended the talk by autographing his book with his toes and proclaiming that he is wonderfully made, despite the birth defect, I felt something move within me. In two days' time, we will embrace a new year. This is a good time for looking back to the past and also forward to the coming year. As with every new year, we make resolutions and break them or faithfully try to keep them. It is a good time to reflect on the changes we want or need to make. I will have to sit down and think through what I would want to do in 2013 -- for myself, my family and all those that I come in contact with.

Read more: Success not measured by money alone - Columnist - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/success-not-measured-by-money-alone-1.193259#ixzz2GXPV3ing Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/success-not-measured-by-money-alone-1.193259

Chilling consequences of dark winter thoughts

Each year, the winter solstice sun penetrates the chamber of the passage tomb at Newgrange in County Meath, on the eastern side of Ireland. A narrow beam of light penetrates the roof-box and reaches the floor of the chamber and as the sun rises higher, the beam widens so that the whole room is dramatically lighted up. This annual phenomenon lasts for 17 minutes, beginning around 9 a.m. from December 19 – 23. As I stand in the darkness waiting for the light to pierce through, I am reminded of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Anthem’. There is a line that goes, ‘ There is a crack in everything…That’s how the light gets in..’ A paradox indeed.

The crack to me symbolises imperfection. Imperfection can be anything ranging from disappointments, unfulfilled expectations and broken promises to flaws. Life unfortunately is full of these which become fissures or cracks in our subconscious. It is not uncommon to hear of people in my neighbourhood go into depression and then take their lives when they could see no way out. According to the Irish Central, Ireland’s suicide rate now stands at a shocking 600 deaths per year – and it is believed that the figure is rising as the country experiences the pain of recession. Apparently, in every 57 seconds someone calls the Samaritans with suicidal feelings and the majority of callers are men in their 30s.

As the year draws to a close, I seem to hear a lot of people getting depressed. Some refer to the winter months as the hard months or the “dark ages” as the midshipmen at the Naval Academy say. They feel that the weather prevents them from doing their normal outdoor activities. They miss the sunshine and feel locked in. I am not a medical doctor but much has also been said about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summer blues, or seasonal depression. This is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter, summer, spring or autumn year after year.

Some winter depression busters according to experts are watching the level of sugar intake, stocking up on Omega-3, joining a gym, wearing bright colours and making a concerted effort to go outside the house. Taking up challenging projects that contribute towards society also helps. It seems cliché to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot imagine what goes on in the mind of a person who contemplates taking his own life but I am sure it is very, very dark indeed. How sad it is to know of people you have talked to one day who were gone the next. The only thing that comes through my mind is to cling on to hope. Hope that things will change, hope that things will become better. If only we can stand fast and wait for that word of comfort, that person, that idea or that miracle. If only we can wait for the light of dawn to break.

Source: http://www.nst.com.my/opinion/columnist/chilling-consequences-of-dark-winter-thoughts-1.186714#

TO GO OR NOT TO GO

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference

'THE ROAD NOT TAKEN' by Robert Frost has been well used to depict many things and one of course is about matters of the heart. How many of us have been caught in the predicament of having to choose one or the other or having to stay put or to move on? No one can give you answers but ultimately you have to decide because therein lies your happiness and your future. The scenario of whether to keep on surviving in a family or to live your life is present and very real. We may not want to talk about it but someday sometime we will need to take stock or forever live to die in a world of the living. As with every major move taken there are advantages and disadvantages. It takes great resolve and determination and courage to step out, to analyse and to decide. I am talking about marriage and divorce. Traditionally for a married person there is only one road: staying put. This is well and fine when things are in order But the difficult part is even if the world collapses you are expected to stay put because marriage comes as a package and there is no back door. I speak mostly for the woman who often puts others before herself, particularly her children. But reality says there are two roads: staying put or moving on. So we weigh the pros and cons. This may be simplistic but generally true.

STAYING PUT IN A MARRIAGE WROUGHT WITH PROBLEMS- What are the Advantages? The family is intact. The children are spared the physical and emotional pain of separation especially if they are still young.There is a 50-50 chance that things may improve through hard work, communication or divine intervention.There will be no condemnation heaped on you from religious bodies, family and friends. There will be praises for you as the unsung hero who has brought the family through. What are the Disadvantages? Lots of stress, tears and unhappiness.Feelings of being shortchanged.Feelings of being taken for granted and advantaged of.Always wondering about the road not taken. Possible ‘cold wars’ during retirement years when both of you can no longer communicate. Your responsibility of taking care of the kids is over as they have flown the nest. You are 2 strangers living in a hotel called marriage. Possibility of problems remaining as they are with no change. Worse, more problems may occur.Tendency to escape through fantasy, real or cyber relationships with the opposite sex because consciously or unconsciously you are seeking to fill the void in your soul.Tendency for other males to gravitate towards you because the void in you will manifest itself unknowingly.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO STAY PUT A resilient spirit, a non-complaining spirit, knowing that God is your best confidante and anchor. Do not wash your dirty linen in public. Confide in very close friends only.Cut off ALL intimate relationships with other men or women, real or in cyberspace which are robbing family time, husband-wife time. Such relationships can be a crutch, a fantasy. All three (husband, wife, other person) will feel cheated and hurt.Work at communication. Seek professional help if necessary.

MOVING ON TO PRESERVE YOU SANITY- What are the Advantages? A sense of freedom and joy that you have not felt for years. A liberation indeed from the shackles. The yoke on your shoulder has been lifted. No additional burdens, worries or unpleasant surprises from him/her. A time to explore new and better relationships. A time for your children to be more matured, more responsible, more realistic and kinder and appreciative towards others. What are the Disadvantages?

FEELINGS of anger, sadness, depression, helplessness, loneliness, and guilt. You will need good friends for support and go for a ‘guilt-free’ programme. Self help programmes are available via the internet. Children may not be able to accept the new situation. Solution: start preparing them now.

RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS and SOME FRIENDS will condemn you. Colleagues will gossip. This is when you find out who your true friends are. Solution: delete all wounding mail. Trash belongs to the trashcan. You don’t need anyone’s approval for what you want to do, esp. so when the person hasn’t walked the mile with you. Confide in people who care enough.

INDEPENDENCE: Everything is in your hands now – the leaking faucet, the fused wire, the punctured tyre, income tax returns etc. Solution: start being independent: get contacts for technicians, plumbers etc. You might be fleeced by unscrupulous people out to make a fast buck from a divorcee…….but what is a little money lost compared to sanity of mind?

PAIN: The whole process of divorce is painful. Leaving or seeing the other pack the bags and leave. Meeting in court. Seeing him/her pick the children up after the divorce. If both parties are agreeable, divorce in Malaysia is granted after 6 months. If one party contests, the tug-of-war will last 2 years or more. The cost varies. The longer the proceedings take, the more expensive it is. Adjusting to divorce is a process that takes time, so allow yourself time to heal and remember to focus on one day at a time.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IF YOU CHOOSE TO MOVE ON? A lot of will power, focus, independence and determination. Knowing that you have thought it through carefully and given your best shot. Knowing that you can walk away without regrets or fear of condemnation. Knowing that you deserve better, a piece of heaven on earth. Some people who genuinely care for you.

HELPFUL REMINDERS You only live once and you are responsible for your own happiness. Whatever road you take, be at peace with God. Do not be affected by what others say or think. Your life is yours, not theirs. In a relationship, both parties should live. If one party is living while the other party is dying, which party do you want to be? God loves you no matter which road you take. Going to heaven or hell does NOT depend on good or failed relationships. Take some time out to think. If you go somewhere faraway for a few weeks, you will see the big picture, and that will help you decide the road you wish to take.

Free at Last