SONGS AND MEMORIES OF THE PAST

When Fran Molloy tagged me on facebook, inviting me to post a picture of 

favourite album,I simply couldn’t decide on which one. The game was such that 

I had to tag other friends to invite them to post the same as well.

Finally, I settled for Romanza which is Andrea Bocelli’s first compilation released

internationally in 1997. It means a lot to me because that’s the beginning of my 

foray into the world of Italian classical tenors. 

Needless to say, that invitation sent me into music overdrive so to speak. 

Inevitably, I walked down the hallways of the past as I listened to my all time favourites 

of the 80s and 90s. 

Believe me, it was not only nostalgic but totally refreshing as images flood the brain and 

soul, especially when I hadn’t heard those songs for years.

Great songs carry great memories. I guess that’s why much research has been done on 

music-evoked autobiographical memories. (MEAMS)

So I started to check out you-tube and as if the site could read my mind, there was 

a whole list of familiar songs.

One of my hot favourites is That’s why (you go away) by Michael Learns To Rock. 

(MLTR) When I heard it in the 90s, there was no you-tube then and I never saw

the video clip. Now that I can see the images, I thought it is so clever how the lyrics

are juxtaposed with the images.

Songs by MLTR, Alphaville, Blue, Toto and Westlife  remind me of the fun we had

in the classroom. Using music to teach the English language gives students a break 

from grammar and more grammar.

My students were ever so creative and would come up with enactments of the lyrics 

of the songs. They put in great effort and would even create their own props. There was

a group that sang ‘Lemon Tree’ by Fool’s Garden and they actually brought a

tree trunk into the classroom with handmade paper lemons dangling 

from the branches.

Another beautiful song is ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ by Harry Chapin where a father has no 

time for his young son- only to discover that the son as an adult no longer has time for

him. I remember vividly how a group of students performed this song in four distinct

 acts with different students playing the roles of the child, the ten year old, the college 

student and the father as an old man. I thought it was spectacular. I still have the video 

cassette of that performance and since I no longer have the player, I will convert that

 to a compact disc.

Thanks to the internet, I am now able to see the different layers of meaning behind the 

lyrics. Take ‘Big in Japan’ by Alphaville for example. In the 80s, I thought that it was 

about hopeful  musicians making it big in Japan. But now I know it is also about a young

couple trying to live and love without substance abuse. The venue of the song 

incidentally is Berlin Zoo and  the fact that I have been to the zoo twice makes it even

more special.

I also never knew that ’Forever Young’ by the same group was written during the

Cold War, where the singer is ‘hoping for the best, but expecting the worst; are you

gonna  drop the bomb or not?

When we hear a very familiar song from the past, somehow the location, the people and 

the season associated with that song appear vividly in the mind’s eye. Not unlike

how smells and tastes evoke memories as well.

I had just baked an apple tart due to the overabundance of apples on my tree. 

My daughter took a whiff of the tart and told me it reminded her of the same tart 

that used to be sold in church for fund-raising when she was still in her primary 

school years. She remembered that I steered her away from the  table because money 

was tight then and buying that tart would be a luxury. 

I had clean forgotten that episode but she remembered it well. 

Different circumstances in a different time zone.

And it’s not only the past that songs and images evoke.

I know when I visit Africa next year, images of Tarzan swinging from tree to tree and 

Toto’s Africa will have a heyday in my mind.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA 18 SEPTEMBER 2016  http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160918nstnews/index.html#/23/

NO WINNERS IN PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

I was having my favourite cuppa in a delightful little cafe, alfresco, on a beautiful 

sunny day. 

A rare thing indeed to feel the heat, and it would be a great crime if such fine weather

is not experienced in its fullest, outdoors.

Some people read while having the cuppa. Others fiddle with their phones or whatever 

gadgets they have.

I prefer to watch and learn.

Across the table sat a young mother and a restless child running here and there except 

sitting at the table where he should be.

She was coaxing him to have his orange juice and the fine breakfast on the table. 

She was piling on him a shower of terms of endearment - honey, my little man, 
darling, sweetie....Every possible term except a cross word.

With all the ditsy fleeting from table to table, the inevitable happened. He banged

headfirst into  a table corner.

All pandemonium broke lose. He bawled his eyes out and the mother swooped over him

like an eagle and tried to kiss away his tears.

Then she took him by the hand and led him to the offensive table. Vehemently, she

started beating the table and said, 'bad table, bad table' as if her golden child 

could do no wrong.  Immediately the boy was satisfied and the tears stopped. 

Completely bemused, I did not know whether to laugh or cry.

There were many laughable things I had done as a young mother once but blame 

shifting was definitely not one of them.

What was she teaching her child?

That it was alright to be careless? That unruly behaviour was acceptable in public? 

Or did she just want a quick fix to maintain order and quiet?

It is strange but when we are caught doing something unacceptable, we blame 

someone else, never ourselves.

Wasn't it Adam who blamed Eve for sharing with him the forbidden fruit?

When people in office resign when a misdeed has been exposed, there is a certain

level of accountability there.

Bob Marley said, emancipate ourselves from mental slavery. No one but ourselves

 can free our minds.

Learning to accept consequences is a great step towards freeing our minds. Being

accountable for what we do helps shape intentions and execution of plans.

I  used to watch Sesame Street with my children. There is this clip whereby a little

girl contemplates popping a balloon with a pin near her baby brother who is sleeping.

Then she rationalises that the noise would wake her brother up and his fit of crying would make her mum angry with her. Then she would be sent to bed and she would

miss eating the cookies in the oven.

She then puts the balloon down and says ' who wants to pop this nice balloon 

anyway'.

People are generally careless and inconsiderate. To find someone who is mindful 

and kind is such a rarity.

This is not to be confused with the concept of mindfulness which has become a present 

day buzzword, and if you are not focussing on your inhaling and exhaling, then you are 

certainly missing out on the greatest discovery on earth.

So, if children are not taught from young to be accountable for their deeds, it is not 

surprising that we are constantly surrounded by adults who bask in their own glory and 

blame others when things go belly up.

It is a sad generation that thinks they can do no wrong and that the world owes them a

living.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PRINTED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES
MALAYSIA, 4 SEPTEMBER 2016
http://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/09/170619/no-winners-playing-blame-game

MAKING MEMORIES KEEPS COUPLES CLOSE

I treasure life and each day that I can wake up healthy and surrounded by beautiful things is
something very awesome to me.

I am what John Maxwell, the motivational speaker says - a lid lifter. 

The image is a jar with a lid. How many memories your jar can hold depends on when you cover it and say that's as far as I will go. That's enough for me. For some it may be a reluctance to go
beyond the comfort zone or to try out new things.

I wasn't born a lid lifter. I evolved into one and am still evolving. Lifting the lid makes one vulnerable.

There is a risk but I will not exchange new memories and the lessons that come with them for 
anything in the world. When you lift the lid, you gain insight and become a nicer person to live with 
or be with.

In fact the little or the big things that we do together -  such as going for movies, picnics and
travelling form memories. But this is not limited to just us. It is also doing things together
with others like coffee chats, dining with friends, having friends over for dinner or enjoying outings 
with friends. The friends that we make all add up to our memory bank.

It's lovely to watch people who have just fallen in love. They  want to be together and do things 
together. It is the excitement of being in each others presence and in the presence of others as a
unit. Granted that one may go solo especially in specialised hobbies  like golfing, deep sea diving
or rock climbing.

But with time, togetherness may become a chore. It becomes an obligation, no longer a desire. It
becomes 'I'll do it ' just to avoid disagreement.

One spouse says that he has to bend backwards every time the significant other suggests an
activity. He says he's been working the whole day and has no intention of socialising.  He says it is
just not in his character to do the stuff that she likes.

She says the baby has driven her up the wall for hours and all she needs now is a good night's
sleep. She is so busy juggling so many roles that going to the gym is hard work and why dress
up when slacks and baggy clothes are surely more comfortable?

So he goes to a pub and talks about insignificant things and looks at the overhead TV together
with the others. I say 'look' because I doubt whether they are actually following anything that is 
being aired, unless of course it is football. The TV is easy company because it doesn't demand anything. The pub is perfectly convenient to enter or leave.

Now the home is different because you are dealing with real lives and real people who are
usually related in some way or another.

So we see married people living separate lives. They meet different people and pursue different
interests because the significant other is no longer making any more effort. 

When couples stop sharing their lives and making memories together, communication ends. 
Some call it married singles.

ABBA's opening lines in the song  One man One woman seems to capture what I've been trying to say in the last few paragraphs.

'No smiles, not a single word at the breakfast table...
Though I would have liked to begin
So much that I wanna say, but I feel unable...'

This scenario is a perfect setting for the entry of a third person. Suddenly there is someone else 
who shares your interests or so you think. But of course being devoid of togetherness for sometime
now, youenjoy the sudden attention.

It is no wonder that scams are rife. You often wonder how sensible people can be conned by empty
but sweet promises

Alas, the pain of loneliness is immense and the lack of deep communication takes its toll

What happened to making and sharing memories?

What happened to those days when you would do things together just because?

Lois Lowry in The Giver says, The worst part of holding the memory is not the pain. It's 

the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. 

We need to lift the lids.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE NEW STRAITS TIMES 24 JULY 2016 http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160724nstnews/index.html#/23/

TEN RULES TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY

The thing about resolutions is that they are all done in good faith. I cannot remember the resolutions I made when the year changed from 2014 to 2015 and therefore can safely say that I neither honoured nor broke any.

So with 2016 I think I’d rather list down 10 rules of day-to-day living that I will continue to abide by because they have served me well thus far.

Rule 1:

I DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHO DOESN’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY LOVING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME.

This is a conscious act of the will and I find it very effective. The underlying principle is life is short and it is wonderful to be surrounded by people who care for you and to be able to love and care for others in return. I have so many new and not so new friends who are genuinely interested in being concerned about one another. The bottom line is I cannot please everyone and there’ll always be someone who will find fault, real or imagined, with me. So why let someone else’s myopic view of you spoil your day?

Rule 2:

IN EVERYTHING I DO, I GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT. NO HALF MEASURES.

I agree with this wholeheartedly - be it going to the office, delving into a hobby or doing voluntary work. I find that some people are ‘embarrassed’ with their own quality of work and think that it is not good enough. For me, if  I’ve pitched in my best effort, then it is certainly good enough for myself and others, if not excellent.

Rule 3:

COMMITMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, DELIVERY: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS.

It is easy to make empty promises and saying yes when we mean no. I have learnt that if I say yes, then it becomes my responsibility to deliver. I have also learnt that it is not easy to say no. When others expect you to say yes to a favour and the answer is no, more often than not, they become miffed. At the end of the day, it is more important to be honest with yourself and not take more than you can handle or are comfortable with.

Rule 4:

BEFORE I STEP OUT OF MY HOUSE (EVEN FOR A LOAF OF BREAD), I MUST LOOK PRESENTABLE.

I’ve always believed in the quality of the product and its packaging. A good product looks better if it is packaged beautifully.

Rule 5:

WHEN UNSURE, IT IS BETTER TO BE OVERDRESSED THAN UNDERDRESSED.

So far, I have not gone wrong on this point. It is always pleasant to the eye to look good and feel good.

Rule 6:

EAT EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. EXERCISE IF I CAN.

Like most Malaysians I enjoy good food. Tastes change with age and sweet things do not lure me as much as savoury stuff and I guess I eat most things that walk or swim. Occasional treats are most welcome but gluttony or indulgence is not. When the weather is good, I take my walks.

Rule 7:

GIVE OF MY TIME, TALENTS AND MONEY. THEY ARE NOT MINE TO BEGIN WITH.

I have to remind myself of this regularly lest I think I can bring them to the grave with me.

Rule 8:

LET GO OF THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.

Never enter marriage thinking you can change a person. There are many things or people that we cannot agree with but it is not my job to change them. The only changes I can make are within myself.

Rule 9:

BE GRATEFUL, NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED THE PEOPLE OR THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE AROUND US.

It is so very important to appreciate our family and friends because there is tendency to forget the people who are around us all the time. The words ‘I love you’ or ‘thank you’ must never be in short supply.

Rule 10:

LOVE WITH PASSION. LIVE WITH FOCUS. FORGIVE WITH DETERMINATION.

This is the rule that holds up all the others. I don’t believe in holding back love when I care for a person even if I have gone through bad experiences. I wake up being grateful that I have the opportunity to live another day in good health and surrounded by warmth. Most of all I’m determined to forgive others, because if I choose to hold on to grudges and hurts, I am the one who is most trapped.

                                 Wishing all readers a happy new year!

This article was originally printed in the NEW STRAITS TIMES MALAYSIA, 3 JANUARY 2016
http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/160103nstnews/index.html#/23/

SIMILAR BUT YET SO DISTINCT

Whenever a significant  day arrives, the beloved will say, ‘I don’t know what to get for you, so this is a token of my love. I hope you’ll like it.’

That reminds me of a sequence of events. The last time I asked him to buy product X, it was around the date of my birthday and so he said it was a gift and I didn’t have to reimburse him. Then around December  last year, I needed product X again and asked him to buy it for me. Coincidentally, it was Christmas time, so he said it was a gift again.

As with all important days, another one made its round again this year.

My mind started to work like clockwork.

Using the techniques of deduction, association and repetition, I reasoned that I would help him out again in the purchase of a useful gift. I asked him to buy product X  and  then I waited. But I was wrong. This time round however, it was not a gift,  I had to pay for it.

Now where did I go wrong?

We tend to forget that men and women are wired differently.

For a moment, I had clearly disregarded the possibility that women are from Inner Space  and men are from Outer Space.  Simply put, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ according to John Gray.

By inner space, I mean we do quite a fair bit of thinking, mulling and gelling  (being mentally in-sync with someone). There is perfectly no empty box in the brain and if someone were to attach some electrodes to it at any one time, I am sure the female brain will light up at all angles, like a laser beam show.

By outer space, I mean being absolutely clueless. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but I am sure after the years of chipping and honing, they actually do ‘cop-on’.

A good illustration is the hunter-gatherer concept.

Hunter-gather is an anthropological term used to describe human beings who obtain their food from the bounty of nature, hunting animals and gathering wild plants. The hunter seeks solutions and attempts to provide. Scientists find that differences between genders are deeply rooted to the days when men were hunters in the wild and women were gatherers rearing children in the ring-fort. These different roles and settings pushed men and women to evolve different hormonal balances and distinct brain structures.

Not that one is better than the other.

The beauty of it really is that they complement each other and they are supposed to bond effectively. Like magnets, opposite poles attract, so try separating two bars of magnets that are stuck together. I find that every time I ask someone of the opposite sex for help, I have never been disappointed. A punctured tyre will be fixed and a damsel in distress looking for directions will be shown the intended route she needs to go.

To work effectively together takes time. What more with the opposite sex who is utterly different from who we are. But then again, it is not impossible. Strangely enough, sometimes boundaries blur.

Take for instance, the general assumption that women go berserk at sales. I find that because I am a planner and like to maximise my waking hours, I can go into a shopping mall and within minutes get exactly what I need and move on, instead of spending time window shopping and browsing. I can see a ‘Sale’ sign and not be in a hurry to buy anything. In fact, I would prefer to shop during the off-sale season when there are no crowds, no messy piles of clothing and no queues. I can also be assured that whatever size or pattern that I prefer would be available.

Men too can become more intuitive. The beloved can now look at my non-verbal gestures and know that something is wrong without my having to explain it verbally.

But it is good to step back now and again and know and appreciate differences.

He may not have employed the techniques of deduction, association and repetition but he did get me a lovely gift on the said occasion, far better than I had ever imagined.

I’ll keep him on.

THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY NEW STRAITS TIMES 19 JULY 2015

http://www.nst.com.my/news/2015/09/similar-yet-so-distinct

http://digital.nstp.com.my/nst/books/150719nstnews/index.html#/23/